I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
