thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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