im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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