he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
