i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I think a kid would responsible me up
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
