You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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