The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
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For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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