My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my sisters under your porch take her home
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
