Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
