Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
