i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
im having a threesome with these popsicles
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
