just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
