just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
