I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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