I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
