OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She announced her abortion via fbk
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
