He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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