Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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