I want to make a zoo with you.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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