I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
there is glitter all over my balls
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