I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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