mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
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We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
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I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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