I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
