White coat. Heels.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
