feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
