A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
