I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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