Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
