I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
