You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
false alarm, still single
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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