I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
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