I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
