So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
