my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
