Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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