If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
