Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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