god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
