His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Randomize
