fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
