I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
