remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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