I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
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It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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