FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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