i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
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I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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