thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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