I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
