she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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