So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
