I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
