I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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