this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
