I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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