my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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