he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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