I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
