I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize