Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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